You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
