Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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