I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
