Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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