I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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