This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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