dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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