and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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