Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My cat gives me a boner
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
