this beer tastes like vomit already
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
