I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
