just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
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Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
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IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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