I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
