come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
