I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
