Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
