You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
