I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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