I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
