No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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