I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
