I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
