I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I love how my cats smell like pot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
