I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
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