If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
