Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
