Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Randomize
