it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
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Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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