Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
