When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
