No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
