I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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