god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
