U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
