I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
