how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Randomize
