Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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