Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
