do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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