Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
