Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
