uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
