and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
