Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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