im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Less talking, more tequila
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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