question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
