Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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