I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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