Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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