Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
