a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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