his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
