she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
