hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
