He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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