My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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