...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
