when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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